Identity

First game of football occurred at the most unlikely hour. We were out on the field playing four downs with a 50 meter between end zones at 1am. The entire period of the game, campus safety patrol cars were circling the field. This was the game at which I asked the most defining question : “What’s the purpose of this game?”

Flashback

So why did I decide to come to US in the first place? Ever since forever, I’ve been caught in between two worlds. True, Chinese is my native language, my mother tongue. But since I was five, I have been going for tuition, English tuitions that is. When I enrolled in primary school at seven, I was having difficulties with Chinese! That’s true, at the young age of seven, I had already started struggling with my identity. What’s that language I have to learn? Chinese? My first language? Seriously? I disliked that language until Standard Four but finally came to terms with it due to UPSR( Standard Six Unified Exams) pressure. Nonetheless I did fairly well (an A actually) in Chinese and decided to take up the challenge of enrolling in Chong Hwa Independent High School.

The thing about independent high schools was that they had an infamous reputation for overworking their students! Their math was friggin hard and hard work was synonymous with homework! I did not give a damn about the challenge that school posed; it would merely serve as motivation, I concluded!

In a dominant Chinese society, whereby the perseverance of its cultures and mother tongue lies above all else, it was easy to be influenced into believing in the same ideology. I felt, and still feel a compelling responsibility to uphold the language and its cultures and let the river keep flowing, as it had been doing for 50 centuries already.

Come one fine day, I decided to further my studies in the United States! No, it wasn’t a spur of the moment decision. In contrast, I had to debate, argue, write and literally fight my way to get here! (YES, I’m in the US for those who are still blur blur! And no, I won’t be going home till 4 years later. Minimum!)
So I grandly left Malaysia (not for good, mind you!) with a load of my frens and family sending me off. It was not the most auspicious of days according to the Chinese calendar, being the day hell opened its gates to let the ghosts wandered out to roam earth for a month! Nonetehless, I landed in Orlando safely enough.
I checked into a hostel only on the following day, as I touched down in Orlando at night. It was my first contact with reality. EVERYTHING here was huge! Americans love trucks, which were apparent on the roads! It would do WALMART no justice to describe it as huge! Burger King was absolutely humonstrous! And not to mention the tits and bellies were gigantically big as well!!! I adapted well to the food portion here. It was practically food haven! I would tuck into the first course, second course and then dessert and then third course…. The first few days were like OMG!!!! FOOD!! Not to mention that the college cafeteria offered buffet style dinner, lunch and breakfast so I was like gaining weight faster than I could lose it! (No, basketball is not that popular on this campus as opposed to volleyball so it was not particularly that calorie burning!) By the end of the first week, I had to inhale just to pull up my pants! I was getting fatter as my daily diet consisted of potatoes, meat and burgers! And the Americans would wonder why they are the most obese nation on Earth!

I miss Asian food dearly, but I can’t get decent Asian food here. The most direct way to describe the Asian food cooked by our school cafeteria is that they serve Asian food with MASHED POTATOES! So go figure! I’ve been a meat lover all my life, but now in the States where the primary staple is meat, I’m beginning to think twice! No wonder people dig salads! The drinks are a problem too! People generally don’t carry water bottles around. And basically, the drinks served are FREE-FLOW soft drinks and free coffee! So, I’m always at a dilemma, of whether to fully utilize my meal plan that I’ve paid for already or go for a healthy diet. Lately, I’ve come to my senses and started to skip a few meals here and there, but when the food is great, I have started to eat like an American! Even my friends are shocked at my portion when I begin feasting which, fortunately, is not all that often.

Accent is another problem. Essentially, the US is a real huge land, with people who constantly cross borders for work, study or travel. And though they all speak English (duh) they speak it with a slightly different accent according to where they live. Hence, I would have thought that they have got used to the fact that people speak with accent, and hence, there is no one best accent! But the first week I was here, people constantly requested me to repeat, which was pretty frustrating, considering the fact that their remarks made me feel as if my accent was inferior to theirs, which in essence is not true. Let us not forget the course of history, from which the Americans were either deportees from the UK or sailed away for whatsoever reasons. They brought with them ships, gold, spices and of course the English language. Hence, technically speaking, the English language never belonged to them to begin with. Then they decided to change the way it’s spelt and pronounce, hence confusing everyone in the process and finally making sure that only the Americans spoke English they way they do!

A simple analogy will explain why the difference of accent( or skin color, perhaps) is completing acceptable. We all know Edison invented the light bulb. But when we buy a light bulb from Wal-Mart and use it, does it essentially belong to Edison or to us? The English invented this language, and along went the Americans who decided to change it here and there. Then, as the other nations were colonized by these two imperialism powerhouses, the language was introduced to us. And as more and more people learnt the language, it was only rational that people from different countries could communicate effectively. Hence, as we entered into the IT age, I.E. the age of communication, English became the world’s language! So when people look at me strangely, I would not hesitate to continue with my beautifully flawed accent, for theirs are very well flawed with local influence too!

Another interesting side note of how uninformed some Americans are is this: one guy once commented: you’re not even Chinese (national), you’re Malaysian. I looked at him and said with pride, “I’m a Malaysian Chinese.” What they failed to see here was the fact that after the opium war and during the Manchurian Dynasty (if I’m not mistaken) the Chinese (people from China) moved down South and again during the Red Revolution of Mao Ze Dong, the Chinese once again left China for a brighter future! So, as the saying goes, where there is sea water, there is Chinese people, of yellow skin and black hair, descendants of the dragon! One solid fact which supports this statement is the amount of aid that poured in in favor of China during the Szechuan earthquake from Chinese overseas. The amount far surpassed the aid generated domestically! And that alone speaks for itself about the number of Chinese who inhabit this world.

I’ve also come to realize that it’s not the bunch of people I mix with who have generally closed minds. It’s I who chooses to keep my mind open and do things differently from the crowd. Back in Malaysia, as it is in US, I spoke my mind and asked questions. I thought out of the box and never really cared what people thought of me. I thought people here in the US would be different from Malaysians, generally. However, what I’ve found is fairly contradictory to what I’d thought. People generally care about what others perceive of them, a lot more in the US even! Everyone is just so self-conscious that they would even fear to stray from the main crowd’s position on some issues. Issues such as its taboo to be gay and it’s not ok to criticize America. Things people wouldn’t say when they’re alone are said when they’re in groups. And I’d go as far as saying that this even impairs them from asking questions, even though they may not truly understand something. I realized that people will just be humans and let the crowd make their decisions and perceptions, often. Yet, I will not yield to that force, termed peer pressure.

One other main issue that has been buggering me since day one was that some Americans would indefinitely draw the line between “we” and “you”. These bunch of a**holes would think, by default, that they are holier than thee only because “We are Americans.” National pride and patriotism which has gone overboard into over spilling arrogance. From day one, I would no yield to this notion and stood my ground firm. I steadfastly noted due and again that I’m Asian and Malaysian Chinese. And a proud one I am indeed. I have never,to date, be afraid to call the war in Iraq what it is, a failure and the constant fact that they are getting their asses kicked by middle eastern countries due to oil. I have not failed to keep tearing away at their nationalistic arrogance by constantly upholding what I believe to be right and true as opposed to what they have been mistakenly been led to falsely believe in (that they had their asses kicked in all wars after WW2, eg. Afghanistan, Vietnam, Korea, Iraq. And also that the only reason they invaded Iraq was for oil, as opposed to the fact they cared about the people of Iraq and the world economy, hence they had to sustain THEIR own economy! BULLSHIT! ) it went so far as them asking what I’m doing here on their soil and I oh so blatantly told them that the government wants my money that’s why. In form of tax, in form of fees and in form of various expenses. That’s why the government wants me in the first place! Cause they need my and other ALIEN(as they call foreigners, and citizens are humans, ironic no?) ‘s money, that’s why!
Nevertheless, there have been great people, and of great help they have been! One guy even invited me back home as he knew I’d be spending all holidays here for the next 4 years! Hence, the moral is to not let the few rotten apples spoil the whole stack of apples! Besides, they have every right to brag! For they have the world’s top tech and science, but a bit of manners and humility never killed!

When two seemingly diverging elements converge, we will but see the sparks that fly up effortlessly. And these sparks will look great, not to mention be a great reserve to fall back on for future inspirations. When two titan cultural backgrounds intertwine, conflict will arise, but should the soul and the mind prevail, they will run parallel to each other and even combine as one.