Tell us about an experience which, at the time, really felt like "the end of the world" -- but had it not happened, you would not be who you are today. Describe the process through which you discovered value in the negative.
Mom and I were serenely reading in the living room. She casually put down the papers and blurted,
“The fortune-teller predicted that I will die in a few years.” Her tone was as casual as if it was no issue.
“How…” I was dumbfounded.
“Why? Afraid I will die soon? At the rate you throw your tantrums at me, you bury me instantly!” Mom was definitely worked up by my nonsense thus far.
My biological father left Mom for good when I was shaping up in the womb. Hence I grew up only knowing of Mom’s love. “When she is gone, I will be alone in this world!” That thought raced across my mind. My heart crushed.
I come from a Chinese family that is buried in superstitions. Mom’s fortune teller had never erred in his predictions. He even convinced her not to abort me as I’d turn out fine; she had consulted him ever since. Therefore, Mom’s calm appearance didn’t fool me into believing that she wouldn’t take this prediction to heart.
Somehow, Mom’s conviction and my superstitious background led me to fully digest the predictions. My mind went blank and my voice was caught in my throat.
I couldn’t sleep that night. My mood was dampened. I questioned myself on all that she had showered upon me. Rummaging my memory for the answer, I couldn’t find any. “Mom is dieing soon!” That thought shattered my heart. I could neither accept nor contain it.
I had won accolades throughout school, gaining respect from peers and teachers alike. But in the eyes of Mom, what had I made myself to be? I had honed my debating skills through endless bouts of arguments with Mom; I had once even attempted to kick her in retaliation for caning me, thank God I failed; I had accustomed myself to giving orders so much that I had even ordered Mom around!
Tears rolled down my cheeks. While my tears of realization had just started to flow, the precious moments of Mom’s life was drawing near. It was too late!
I had always been basking in the warmth of Mom’s love and sacrifices. Yet, I had repaid her with nothing but sheer arrogance, flaring temper and wounding words. It had taken just a fraction of a second to unleash my temper and strike out at her, yet it had taken seventeen years before I realized that I had been stabbing and ripping her heart out all this while! The brunt of the realization came down on me hard, in the form of wailing and tears. Mom was actually going to die, without my apologies and un-doings.
I was completely devastated and torn. It felt like the end of the world.
If I told you I’ve totally changed over a new leaf and our relationship is perfect now, it is but a lie. I’ve changed little by little and there is still room for improvement. Besides, I don’t want a perfect relationship; all I want is more time to share and treasure these precious moments together.
Only when we’re about to loose something do we appreciate its values. I now allocate more time with her instead of with my friends. Even if I just mope around doing nothing, her presence around is worth it. I did not like her nagging, but I have learnt that it could only mean that Mom is alive and around to love and care for me! I have come to understand that it is better to love and obey her now than to publish obituaries and moan my heart out after her passing away. While the light of her presence beams brightly, I grasp every opportunity there is to know who Mom truly is. I am no longer afraid of what is in store, but rather of what she had concealed.
Mum’s predicted departure had successfully put our lives under the microscope. I was confronted by my misdeeds and wrongdoings unto her. In contrast, Mom’s forgiving and love prevailed. How could I possibly continue to misbehave and mistreat her? There was no other option but to repent and love her with all my heart in return!
In confronting the possibility of losing Mom, the overwhelming emotion was guilt, guilt from actions of the past. However, I understood that there was no possible way I could turn the clock back. From now on, what I want is to do my best for Mom. She has had more than her fair share of thunderstorms and blizzard; she definitely deserves the best I have to offer her!
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