Tell us about an experience which, at the time, really felt like "the end of the world" -- but had it not happened, you would not be who you are today. Describe the process through which you discovered value in the negative.
Mom and I were serenely reading in the living room. She casually put down the papers and blurted,
“The fortune-teller predicted that I will die in a few years.” Her tone was as casual as if it was no issue.
“How…” I was dumbfounded.
“Why? Afraid I will die soon? At the rate you throw your tantrums at me, you bury me instantly!” Mom was definitely worked up by my nonsense thus far.
My biological father left Mom for good when I was shaping up in the womb. Hence I grew up only knowing of Mom’s love. “When she is gone, I will be alone in this world!” That thought raced across my mind. My heart crushed.
I come from a Chinese family that is buried in superstitions. Mom’s fortune teller had never erred in his predictions. He even convinced her not to abort me as I’d turn out fine; she had consulted him ever since. Therefore, Mom’s calm appearance didn’t fool me into believing that she wouldn’t take this prediction to heart.
Somehow, Mom’s conviction and my superstitious background led me to fully digest the predictions. My mind went blank and my voice was caught in my throat.
I couldn’t sleep that night. My mood was dampened. I questioned myself on all that she had showered upon me. Rummaging my memory for the answer, I couldn’t find any. “Mom is dieing soon!” That thought shattered my heart. I could neither accept nor contain it.
I had won accolades throughout school, gaining respect from peers and teachers alike. But in the eyes of Mom, what had I made myself to be? I had honed my debating skills through endless bouts of arguments with Mom; I had once even attempted to kick her in retaliation for caning me, thank God I failed; I had accustomed myself to giving orders so much that I had even ordered Mom around!
Tears rolled down my cheeks. While my tears of realization had just started to flow, the precious moments of Mom’s life was drawing near. It was too late!
I had always been basking in the warmth of Mom’s love and sacrifices. Yet, I had repaid her with nothing but sheer arrogance, flaring temper and wounding words. It had taken just a fraction of a second to unleash my temper and strike out at her, yet it had taken seventeen years before I realized that I had been stabbing and ripping her heart out all this while! The brunt of the realization came down on me hard, in the form of wailing and tears. Mom was actually going to die, without my apologies and un-doings.
I was completely devastated and torn. It felt like the end of the world.
If I told you I’ve totally changed over a new leaf and our relationship is perfect now, it is but a lie. I’ve changed little by little and there is still room for improvement. Besides, I don’t want a perfect relationship; all I want is more time to share and treasure these precious moments together.
Only when we’re about to loose something do we appreciate its values. I now allocate more time with her instead of with my friends. Even if I just mope around doing nothing, her presence around is worth it. I did not like her nagging, but I have learnt that it could only mean that Mom is alive and around to love and care for me! I have come to understand that it is better to love and obey her now than to publish obituaries and moan my heart out after her passing away. While the light of her presence beams brightly, I grasp every opportunity there is to know who Mom truly is. I am no longer afraid of what is in store, but rather of what she had concealed.
Mum’s predicted departure had successfully put our lives under the microscope. I was confronted by my misdeeds and wrongdoings unto her. In contrast, Mom’s forgiving and love prevailed. How could I possibly continue to misbehave and mistreat her? There was no other option but to repent and love her with all my heart in return!
In confronting the possibility of losing Mom, the overwhelming emotion was guilt, guilt from actions of the past. However, I understood that there was no possible way I could turn the clock back. From now on, what I want is to do my best for Mom. She has had more than her fair share of thunderstorms and blizzard; she definitely deserves the best I have to offer her!
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3 comments:
wow.. so did you get any offer from MIT?
what i can say is...
appreciate what you have now
b4 you lost it ALL
Chin Gian,I have lots of words to say after reading your passage.
Apologize that my English language is not as well as yours.I have checked dictionary for many words that you typed in the article.
Frankly speaking, I wanna cry after reading your article,or may be sharing. I had touch by every words your wrote. I can understand how you felt in that night. I had many of that nights when I'm still very young. May be I'm those pessimism, or may be I had the sickness(I think you know what i mean).
Yeah,it's so cruel that you don't have a complete family. But how about me? Having a complete family but since very young, all the while listening mom say that they will divorce. It's really a shadow. But fortunately, I'm growing up, knowing that it's not in my control. What we have to do is treasure what we have now... ...do you agree?
It's pass, We can't always live in the pass and regret what we had done or what we couldn't done for the unfortuned. Just proceed and move on.
My tears was dried, and I stand strong. I go through a hard life since the moment I step out 3rd KL.I had totally collapse. May be not because of JW,but my disease. From the process of blaming, to walking through the hard time (find out the answer and doing some counseling), till now, accepting and go ahead for my life. Though every night filling with pill, few months an appointment with Psy, paying for medicines and doctors, it's just nothing for me after it all.
Ehm, I think it happaned 4 years ago, and you are still a Cpl in the blue.
Time's fly, and of course, don't scare of leaving of someone. Everyone will be THERE one day, even you. Just appreciate what you had and treasure what you have now.
Mind me to share with you, I had some bad experience which with my dearest mom. She had attempt to commit suicide, in my memories, twice.
First time since I'm still a primary girl, her head full of blood and just throwing out the words:"It's all yours fault of not obey and listen to me always.",before sending to the hospital by my dad. It's still midnight, and all of us was waken up from a shock of a loud and clear's windows break. The words clearly mark in my deeply mind, I'm not such an obedience daughter in her eyes of view. I know I'm very naughty but I think I did well after that. That's how I had learn to oppresive.
Second, it happened not long ago. She's trying to burn her room start with burning the curtain. She left out many deep wounds on her hand and body. She and my family lied to me that she had falled into a ditch while working. I know something happened.But since they don't want to let me know I didn't take an interest in. I know may be I coudn't accepted the truth.
Finally my dad told me the incident recently while sharing something. You know what? I felt nothing, my emotion was calm and peace. Not constrain myself to oppresive my feelings. It's naturally calm. I know I growth, and I'm really to accepted everythings that happen, even one day, or may be tomorrow they leave me. Of course I will be sad, and overwhelming feelings will crash off. But I know I'm really at the moment. That's life.
Me too, even I'm the type of obedient (only to her), and I regret of many things that I miss out and learned because of this obedience, I did quarrel with her until she immediately cried in front of me once.More severely I did think of to burnt out the house to make us died together as a revenge of hating her after her wilfully make trouble. I couldn't endure my mom's bearing after her drunk, of course with her depression. I couldn't accepted her sickness, I couldn't pardon her as how she love and forgive me.
Chin Gian, I really get touch with your sharing. You excavate my deep memories and heart.
Just a words to you, no matter what happened, it's just a parcel of our life. And most important, you are not alone, us, or me will always there for you.
Treasure your beloves and what you have, include your mom :) you will not be regret...let's move forward and put down the pass.
With love,
Chee Eng, Ooi
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